Stuff on Social Media

250 dead people are currently frozen, waiting to be revived with future technology!

I like going into McDonald's and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.

TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your Wifi connects automatically.

Time heals all wounds...unless it's infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data.

Why is the pope (@Pontifex) now on twitter? Because twitter is 6 years old!!! - Funny tweet by Eric Santos

Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer: Big Boobs!

Bro, I'm going to Guinness World Records for The Smallest D*ck in the World. Okay bro. I hope you win. *5 days later So did you win? Who the f***k is Justin Bieber?

They're called 'selfies' because the only one who's interested in them is yourself.

If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.

A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils.

Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.

If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right.

If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

What do you call babies born to prostitutes? Answer: Brothel Sprouts

I do 5 sit ups each morning. It may not sound like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

If you ran like your mouth you'd be in good shape.

What's the opposite of the word Original? Answer: China

I hate it when girls say, "I need a guy that can handle me". You're a female, not a zoo creature. Handle your damn self.

How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren't just victims of Medusa?

How many laws are there in The Ten Commandments? Five or Six?